Feeling the Fire Without Being Consumed: How to Honor Pain Without Losing Ourselves

This week, we learned the horrific details of the torture and murder of Sam Nordquist, a transgender man from Minnesota. The weight of this violence is unbearable, and yet, we bear witness. We feel the pain, the grief, the outrage, and it can be overwhelming. But holding it does not mean we have to be consumed by it. When it seeps in, we can let it move through us rather than take root.

Years ago, a wise mentor told me I was carrying too much of my clients’ pain. It was almost as if I believed that by taking their suffering into my own body, I could lessen it for them. But instead, I was becoming depleted, and my clients weren’t particularly benefiting from my self-sacrifice. My mentor helped me see that I was throwing myself into the fire alongside them, rather than standing beside it. He told me, “You have to learn how to feel the heat from the fire without throwing yourself into the fire.” That wisdom has stayed with me, and I’ve shared it countless times with others who find themselves absorbing too much of the suffering around them.

So what does this actually look like? It starts with reconnecting to ourselves—recognizing where we end and others begin, so we don’t mistake their pain for our own. In the case of Sam Nordquist it means grounding myself in my own reality: I am here, in my home in Colorado. I did not live his experience. I can honor his life, feel the heartbreak of his loss, and let it strengthen my commitment to justice, without carrying the full weight of his suffering in my own body. Empathy isn’t about taking on another’s pain—it requires presence, resilience, and the ability to keep showing up.

This is something many of us struggle with, not just therapists, healers, and activists, but anyone navigating a world where injustice and pain are ever-present. Whether it’s the suffering of our loved ones, the struggles of our communities, or the weight of what we witness in the world, boundaries are essential—not as a way to disengage, but as a way to keep going. We can’t sustain the fight if we’re running on empty. Taking care of our own spirits, bodies, and minds isn’t a luxury—it’s necessary.

How Do We Stay Engaged Without Losing Ourselves?

1. Connect to Community
   Isolation can intensify the weight of these tragedies. Find spaces where you can process grief and fear with others who understand. Collective care is a form of resistance.

2. Set Personal Goals
   When the world feels overwhelming, having something tangible to work toward can provide a sense of agency. Whether it's learning a new skill, completing a creative project, or deepening your relationships, cultivating purpose helps anchor us.

3. Reconnect With Your Body
   In a world that tells us our bodies are wrong, broken, or unsafe, reclaiming joy within our bodies is an act of defiance. Dance, walk, practice yoga, swim, sing—engage in movement or expression that reminds you of your own aliveness.

4. Establish Energetic and Somatic Boundaries
   Empathy does not mean absorbing the suffering of others. It means staying present while remaining rooted in ourselves. Practices like journaling, grounding exercises, and mindfulness can help create the space to feel without being overwhelmed.

There is a long road ahead. Staying engaged, resisting, and advocating for change requires sustainability. Feeling the fire doesn’t mean letting it consume us. Standing in solidarity doesn’t require self-sacrifice. Our survival, our joy, and our well-being are not separate from justice—they are part of it.

For Sam and all those we have lost to violence. May their memories fuel our commitment to a more just world. Rest in Power.